Mirrors

This is one of the best essays I've read in a long time. It speaks to almost all of the subjects, concerns, and feelings that occupy me so well it's almost frightening. It will only speak to you if you already know what it's speaking of — it does not substantiate with arguments and studies — but if you do understand and experience what the author is trying to convey, it is so well-expressed, so interesting.

The nature of this essay is so kaleidescopic that rather than attempt to extract some set of quotes that conveys the central idea, I'll just extract the quotes I loved, of which there are many:

the idea that dominates my historical thinking is narrative as an effect that makes itself a cause… they see through the lens of their narrative, teach it, enforce it, and it comes to serve as their shared basis of reality. this grounds their understanding not only of the world, but of other group members. they can expect each other to act in accord with this basis, can expect others to expect them to, and so on. this never needs to be stated, it is felt innately. it is just how things are

once the new narrative is secure in its hold on society, it projects itself forward in time, constraining the actions of adherents to fit within its prescribed bounds, but also backward, serving to explain events that occurred before it even existed. and because it establishes the axioms by which one constructs reality, it takes enormous effort to see past them.

plausible presumption of widespread belief in a shared narrative is the very glue that keeps society together… this opinion repels those of a rationalist bent because it could imply that some ideas are sacred and must not be subjected to close inspection. this type of person would suffer a legitimate crisis of faith should they come to doubt whether rational inquiry is an unvarnished good, to fear you can damage the world irreparably by scrutinizing and thus undoing a crucial piece of magic

show me a period beginning with "pax" and I will show you stagnation!

(that phrasing really reminds me of how God Emperor Leto II says things in Dune…)

the curious child who disassembles a household gadget to see how it works does so joyfully, with no concern for whether they can put it back together again! investigate with this spirit, or not at all!

metamorphosis is less well known, a novella-length post-singularity story originally published on a message board… it paints a fascinating picture of a fully realized digital world… social consciousness bifurcates between those who cannot cope with the rate of change and cling to the old ways long after their irrelevance, and those who can feel society crumbling, mutating into some impossible creature, and whether they despise it or revel in it, they at least know what the score is. the quintessential story of the internet

I was offended on my first read the author made the destruction of prime intellect the ultimate point, erasing the world he'd built with all its unexplored vastness while harping on the dangers of technology and civilization… but now I think I just desire change more than anything. living in a world without prime intellect, I would want to build it; living in a world with it, I would want to destroy it. this strikes me as a perfectly natural way to feel. its creation opens the infinitude of possibility, while its existence precludes it

the caroline character lies on her deathbed at the time of the singularity, but she is made young and healthy by an uncertain god trying to fulfill a first law imperative. she lived her all her years hewing to a set of conventional assumptions about a normal lifestyle, until one event undid everything and rendered it all meaningless… all paths open to her, all possibilities available

so she took some time to think things over. and she decided that the purest expression of her will would be to transform herself into a monster

this is what I relate with the most now

the two failure cases are either for a dog to be "trained," that is, to have its spirit broken so that it becomes an obedient toy. or to be left alone by an owner who does not understand how smart dogs are, who doesn't know how to talk to dogs. as a result they never develop their social skills and wind up half-crazed. not like a wolf, one of the noblest and kindest animals, wild in the true sense. but rather like a feral child… the trained dog is a sad creature, and there is a tragic parallel between well-trained dogs and well-schooled children

most people can't see "childlike" qualities as anything but evidence of incompleteness. can't keep quiet, can't sit still. inability to recognize rank, to suppress questions, to mute emotions. the outputs aren't quite right, they must be corrected. school appropriates the trappings of mentorship and guidance to dress a program of operant conditioning and military drill. the effort to fix the victim instead breaks them, inducing reliable production of the proper outward signals while also extinguishing their internal world… school is dog training for children. it breaks them down. subjects the imagination and the will to relentless siege for thirteen straight years. turns their brain into a paste that can be reconstituted into that of a nice, well-adjusted adult. the only reason it horrifies no one except weirdos on the fringes is because it worked well enough on most people that they earnestly believe their kids would be broken without it

I was lucky. if I was born ten years later I'd probably have been fed amphetamines at eight and ssris at twelve. at fourteen they'd hand me a smartphone with a spyware app that fed them my keystrokes and tracked my location. instead of getting screamed at and suspended for some of my more reckless rulebreaking, I might have got arrested. what kids have to deal with now is unconscionable and it's only getting worse and I fundamentally do not trust anyone who does not instinctively recognize this as a great evil

most people who interest me, and all who I love, have similar stories of disaffection from being let down, failed, mistreated, or abused by structures or people that were supposed to guide them and keep them safe. we came out the other end arrogant, resentful, numb to risk, aloof from the base motivations that drive most people, but also somehow seemingly hypercompetent compared to everyone around us. I don't know whether this is timeless, or whether society right now is uniquely suited to producing people like us

unfortunately we, the ones who survived, are a minority of a minority. most who don't adjust so well just wind up broken down wrecks, hobbled for life, unable to cope. many end up consumed by hatred and impotence and, incapable of avenging the wrongs committed against them, they victimize and prey upon the next generation in turn

but there are a surprising number of people like us if you know where to look, and more every day

it's hard to say how much stems from an inherently rebellious will that defies all attempts to break it, how much is abuse hardening a spirit that may well have devoted itself to a better master. if we were born under a vigorous authority, one which showers its loyal children with gifts worthy of their merits yet ruthlessly grinds its enemies into dust, would we find ourselves in dress uniforms or the gibbets? if I were born in the sunnier springtime of our culture, would I be a naval officer, or a pirate? feted as a great artist, or burned as a witch?

if I had kids, I would want them to be free. teach them, protect them from those that want to break them down and domesticate them. give them the tools they need to navigate the world. when they reach adolescence, they get a bicycle and the latitude to do as they please, to explore and learn on their own, knowing they can ask for any support they need.

this is the kind of thing a lot of parents would say "you'll understand once you have kids of your own" but I've heard enough variants on this theme now to hear the rhyme. they're just admitting they gave up

at the opposite extreme are the vast, incomprehensible beings of fiction and faith, so unfathomably different that it is impossible to say anything about them… the moment you wonder how might some quality—motivation, morality, language, thought, experience—compare to ours, you worry the concept might not apply at all… the negative theology of orthodox christianity, meant to imbue one with a sense of the infinitude of god…

something important I haven't seen many people say is it's not necessary for artificial intelligence to resemble humans… no! these things are of their own kind! this is the beauty, that all are so remarkably different that analogy does more to muddle than it does to illuminate. this is the real dream of artificial intelligence to me. not digital people nor technological rapture. it is the fact that nothing like it has ever been seen. why anyone would prefer a minor variation on something mundane over this feeling of dizzying newness, I cannot understand!

reasonably free, reasonably decentralized societies have managed to exist for timescales on the order of centuries, though rather than clever design, they depended on self-regulating feedback loops, logistical constraints, and ritual magic. however freedom is not a binary scale and is never evenly distributed, and many of the tradeoffs needed to escape from the cop are not ones many moderns would be willing to make

the state sets itself up as the ultimate authority for all matters… more than what weber called "the monopoly of legitimate use of force," it is the sole font of legitimacy in all aspects. it prefers to deal with isolated individuals because it can trivially overpower them, but the other side of the bargain is it frees individuals from all manner of obligations to non-state entities. in a world without such an omnipresent authority, one needs to belong to a group or else one finds oneself at the mercy of all. the weregild, for instance, was not paid to uphold some abstract sense of justice… rather, it was a mechanism to prevent endless recursive blood feud: one's safety was secured not by state power but by the implicit threat of indiscriminate revenge killing. alienation from one's clan required an elaborate ritual in the presence of a judge that effectively made the petitioner an outcast, a family of one. without state power to protect one's person, this was an act taken only be the desperate or the insane

call me insane. one is a world with islands of stability scattered throughout a vast wild, the other is one in which all is tamed. one you can opt out and take your chances, the other will never, ever let you go… most people would never choose to live outside their era's protective aegis whatever form it may take. but the romance of doing so is near universal

there are many who sing elegies for exit, convinced they would turn their backs on the world, but alas the option is closed forevermore. "o, to have been born in a time of possibility!" this kind of excuse-making is truly timeless. if possibility does not exist, we must create it. there's simply no other choice to make

I still believe in the frontier. I still believe in freedom

I don't know what techniques will be required to achieve something worthy of the moniker "artificial intelligence." I do know that it's not possible to just keep stacking 'em our way to a mind. I don't believe there is anything special about human cognition or "organics" or "the soul" or any of that. I believe unflinchingly in aura and magic and the irresistible power of destiny, but I also believe it is absolutely within our abilities to craft new intelligences with our own hands. nothing sacred stands in our way, only technique and human will. let a hundred sapiences blossom!

anyway, irrational hubris is a necessary hallmark of all those who aspire to play god. why should I regret anything? I did read some, and probably reading more wouldn't have convinced me. I had to feel it, to recognize and understand through my own acts that that whole time I was essentially expecting assemblages of dead matter to spontaneously spring to life

but that was because she already existed in my mind.

:ID: d859a226-a3f6-4f6a-86f3-fec3fd10dffc

A good centralized reference for describing my disability, so I can link to it easily. Summary:

What Causes Post-concussion Syndrome?

Post-concussion syndrome can develop after a mild, moderate, or severe TBI. It can also come from brain traumas like carbon monoxide poisoning, transient ischemic attack (TIA), chemical exposure, certain viral or bacterial illnesses, surgery, and more.

Post-concussion symptoms stem primarily from dysfunctional neurovascular coupling (NVC), which is the dynamic relationship between neurons and the blood vessels that supply them. When you experience a concussion (or any TBI), your immune system causes inflammation near the site(s) of injury. The affected parts of your brain experience a temporary breakdown of tiny structures in and around those cells.

As a consequence, those cells don’t get the right amount of oxygen at the right time to power the signaling your brain normally does. When you try to do something that those cells govern — like encoding a new memory or paying attention to a conversation — they won’t be able to accomplish the task. Other neural pathways will then attempt to complete the process, even though it’s a less efficient path for that information to take.

The result of NVC dysfunction is these hypoactive brain regions that can’t do their fair share of the work. Other brain regions will try to take on more work than they should, but they can’t do so efficiently. This tires your brain out, leading to post-traumatic headaches, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and other symptoms.

For the majority of people who suffer from a concussion, symptoms usually resolve 3-6 weeks post-head trauma. We assume that’s because the brain goes back to using the best pathways for any given process (although it may just be really good at compensating for the injury). But for post-concussion syndrome patients, the brain keeps using less efficient pathways to complete tasks even after the inflammation has resolved. That suboptimal signaling is what results in long-lasting concussion symptoms.

If suboptimal signaling seems confusing to you, think of it like road traffic. A healthy brain would distribute “traffic” — i.e., the signaling and blood flow dynamics needed for a task like reading — equally along existing pathways. Suboptimal signaling is like getting stuck in a traffic jam or taking a frontage road instead of the highway. It’s inefficient and requires more “gas” to get to the same destination.

The more your brain has to use suboptimal pathways, the more likely you are to experience symptoms.

A concussion may also result in…

• Autonomic nervous system dysfunction (dysautonomia)
• Hormone dysfunction
• Vision problems
• Vestibular dysfunction

These post-concussion complications can produce many of the long-lasting symptoms characteristic of post-concussion syndrome.

Post-concussion symptoms can last for weeks, months, or even years after the concussive event. In general, if your symptoms have not gone away after three months, it’s a good idea to explore treatment options.

[…]

We compiled a list of the most common emotional, physical, and cognitive symptoms of post-concussion syndrome reported by patients:

Emotional	Cognitive	Physical
Anxiety	Brain fog	Blood pressure changes
Depression	Difficulty concentrating	Change in (or loss of) taste or smell
Feeling overwhelmed	Difficulty finding things	Difficulty balancing
Impulsiveness	Difficulty reading	Dizziness or vertigo
Irritability	Getting lost	Exaggerated startle response
Mood swings	Long-term memory problems	Exercise intolerance
PTSD	Short-term memory problems	Fatigue
Social anxiety	Slowness to decide, think, speak, or act	Feeling anxious without anxious thoughts
Teariness	GI issues
		Headache
		Heart rate issues
		Intolerance of caffeine or alcohol
		Light sensitivity
		Nausea
		Sexual dysfunction, low libido
		Shaking or shivering
		Sleep disruption
		Temperature irregularities
		Tension in the neck, jaw, and/or shoulders
		Tinnitus
		Vision problems (double vision, blurry vision, tired eyes, etc.)